i'm back at that place, the place where i care for the two dogs and one cat, the house where so many things have happened. each time i've stayed here, over the past couple of years, significant events have occurred which have dramatically changed my view of the world, my view of reality.
it's safe here, that's why. the energy is clean and clear. it isn't muddled by much at all. the owners are kind, young and compassionate.
caleb died here, obama got inaugurated, ian got hit by a car.
last time, a few months ago, i ended the struggle with the pain. i relented. it disappeared.
this time, it's all about the physical, most specifically, my body which has, apparently, exhausted its adrenal glands. stress does this. living the way i have these years - all of them, ultimately - results in adrenalin being pumped nearly continually which takes its toll on the glands and they end up fatigued.
so i sleep. roughly fourteen hours a day. started on my birthday, when i got here. i crashed. nap after nap. well at least i don't have insomnia anymore.
the cure takes time. rest, good food, supplements... i went to trader joe's and for the first time ever, bought enough food for weeks. not just food for the day, or two, as has been my routine for many years now.
living in fight or flight wears one out. it's best to avoid that if possible, at least avoid decades of it. it'll make you sick all that adrenalin pumping so hard and fast...
life, here, is calm. i tend to plants and animals. i sleep, read, eat. i watch the sky. i listen. two days ago, while resting, i re-experienced a prior time of passing, watched myself being strangled to death by a man. i suppose i loved him - he wasn't a stranger. when the life left my body previously, i felt it in mine presently. it's a weird sorta thud... there aren't words.
it was quick, though, and i was immediately in a world of pure blue sky and white clouds. light. but i don't think i stayed there long. i believe i returned quite quickly.
adrenal glands are triangular shaped and are located above the kidneys. it's where i've felt pain on and off, for many years, my right lower back. thought it was kidneys and dreaded that thought but would have guessed adrenal glands had i known they existed.
the tendency, of course, is to tell everyone the perils of living precariously. but it wouldn't be good to do that. we're on our own journeys, each of us with our own destinies and contracts to fulfill.
my friend cindy says we "renegotiate" with our bodies at some point/s in our lives where we make new deals and plans for the future. i like that idea. it's interesting and seems tangible.
so i've renegotiated with this physical body of mine. and, like cindy also says, my body is trying to catch up with the rest of my growth which, spiritually and emotionally, has been rapid and intense these past months. so i'm gonna chill, enjoy these weeks, take it as it comes. if i felt i had a choice i might resist; it's hard to change behavior after engaging in it for this long. but i don't have a choice. i got sick.
summer 2010. starting over.
see you next time,
love.